Jacqui's Guide to Culture Shock-Chapter 6: Language and Loneliness

Thursday, March 22
Place: Language Class (the really boring slow one that I usually feel I shouldn't be in)
Topic: the verb haber and the past tenses
What I had learned during ALL my spanish career up until this point: You only use haber in preterito when a natural disaster or something like that has happened. When there was ONE singular event.
What I was told today: This isn't the case. Re-learn everything.
What I felt: Like I wanted to cry out of frustration.

General feelings at nearly 2 months into this "study abroad experience": Loneliness
Detailed account: This feeling has become a part of the background of my time here. By which I mean, the other day I sat down to check in with myself, and realized that while I wasn't sad all the time, I could not classify myself as "happy". At least not with the verb ser, the more permanant version of "to be". Yes, I have had happy moments, days, even weekends, maybe weeks. But it would all be told with the verb estar, ser's more temporary sibling. And even with people here that I am close to, and want to hang out with, it's still lonely, because of this determination of mine to speak Spanish all the time. This takes away one of the most basic forms of connection that I know--verbal communication.
And also, I have a bit of fear that as soon as I figure out how to rid myself of this loneliness (if that is possible), it will be time for me to leave Spain and all that I have just attached myself to. And I don't want that either. I find myself in the center of the "I don't want to take risks because I don't want to get hurt" cycle, one that I more commonly associate with romantic relationships. I also find myself in a strange place somewhere in between Madrid and the US, Madrid and Wesleyan, my own experiences and those the people back home.
And on that note--Thank you to all my friends who have not answered my emails. Yes, that does sound passive agressive, and at some points I would mean it to be. But right now, it's written with all seriousness. Because I think that if all of you had answered all of my emails like I had wished at the time, I would be even further away from one side. I would be stuck hovering dangerously in the middle, with what seems like not enough time to get anywhere.
But also, thank you to the people who have answered my emails, and have let me know that I am on your minds occasionally...Because at least I know that I am somewhere else besides the space I am occupying right now. And yes, parents, I know you've been thinking of me. Obviously, as we write emails with a good amount of regularity.

Okay...I had wanted to write about the wonderful Saturday I spent at my friend Pepa's house, with about 10 other people from the program and a GIANT paella. Because that was a splendid day. because it felt, normal and familiar. We were just hanging out. Talking, laughing, eating, kicking around a soccer ball. It was one of the first times I've felt comfortable here. But instead, like always, I was drawn to the computer by my negative frustrated feelings. But that's okay.

j