I am taking a break from the internet. Because I am spending entirely too much time on it. I have been thinking about this for some time, and today solidified my thoughts. I had an excursion with my medioambiente class and we visited this beautiful forest. And I sat on a rock in the middle of a bunch of pine trees and it was gorgeous. And nature-y. And as wacked-out as it sounded, I actually did feel energized. Se cargó mis pilas...recharged my batteries. So...dear readers, and family and random people that I don't know--I will be back. At some point. I have one more week of class, then Semana Santa (when i wasn't going to be on the internet anyways)...so it will be at least 2 weeks. Maybe more. If you need to get in touch with me and don't want to spend money...send an email and put something like URGENT or IMPORTANT in the subject line. Because we'll see if I break and check my email. I might have to. For classes. Okay...adios.
j
23 March 2007
22 March 2007
Jacqui's Guide to Culture Shock-Chapter 6: Language and Loneliness
Thursday, March 22
Place: Language Class (the really boring slow one that I usually feel I shouldn't be in)
Topic: the verb haber and the past tenses
What I had learned during ALL my spanish career up until this point: You only use haber in preterito when a natural disaster or something like that has happened. When there was ONE singular event.
What I was told today: This isn't the case. Re-learn everything.
What I felt: Like I wanted to cry out of frustration.
General feelings at nearly 2 months into this "study abroad experience": Loneliness
Detailed account: This feeling has become a part of the background of my time here. By which I mean, the other day I sat down to check in with myself, and realized that while I wasn't sad all the time, I could not classify myself as "happy". At least not with the verb ser, the more permanant version of "to be". Yes, I have had happy moments, days, even weekends, maybe weeks. But it would all be told with the verb estar, ser's more temporary sibling. And even with people here that I am close to, and want to hang out with, it's still lonely, because of this determination of mine to speak Spanish all the time. This takes away one of the most basic forms of connection that I know--verbal communication.
And also, I have a bit of fear that as soon as I figure out how to rid myself of this loneliness (if that is possible), it will be time for me to leave Spain and all that I have just attached myself to. And I don't want that either. I find myself in the center of the "I don't want to take risks because I don't want to get hurt" cycle, one that I more commonly associate with romantic relationships. I also find myself in a strange place somewhere in between Madrid and the US, Madrid and Wesleyan, my own experiences and those the people back home.
And on that note--Thank you to all my friends who have not answered my emails. Yes, that does sound passive agressive, and at some points I would mean it to be. But right now, it's written with all seriousness. Because I think that if all of you had answered all of my emails like I had wished at the time, I would be even further away from one side. I would be stuck hovering dangerously in the middle, with what seems like not enough time to get anywhere.
But also, thank you to the people who have answered my emails, and have let me know that I am on your minds occasionally...Because at least I know that I am somewhere else besides the space I am occupying right now. And yes, parents, I know you've been thinking of me. Obviously, as we write emails with a good amount of regularity.
Okay...I had wanted to write about the wonderful Saturday I spent at my friend Pepa's house, with about 10 other people from the program and a GIANT paella. Because that was a splendid day. because it felt, normal and familiar. We were just hanging out. Talking, laughing, eating, kicking around a soccer ball. It was one of the first times I've felt comfortable here. But instead, like always, I was drawn to the computer by my negative frustrated feelings. But that's okay.
j
Place: Language Class (the really boring slow one that I usually feel I shouldn't be in)
Topic: the verb haber and the past tenses
What I had learned during ALL my spanish career up until this point: You only use haber in preterito when a natural disaster or something like that has happened. When there was ONE singular event.
What I was told today: This isn't the case. Re-learn everything.
What I felt: Like I wanted to cry out of frustration.
General feelings at nearly 2 months into this "study abroad experience": Loneliness
Detailed account: This feeling has become a part of the background of my time here. By which I mean, the other day I sat down to check in with myself, and realized that while I wasn't sad all the time, I could not classify myself as "happy". At least not with the verb ser, the more permanant version of "to be". Yes, I have had happy moments, days, even weekends, maybe weeks. But it would all be told with the verb estar, ser's more temporary sibling. And even with people here that I am close to, and want to hang out with, it's still lonely, because of this determination of mine to speak Spanish all the time. This takes away one of the most basic forms of connection that I know--verbal communication.
And also, I have a bit of fear that as soon as I figure out how to rid myself of this loneliness (if that is possible), it will be time for me to leave Spain and all that I have just attached myself to. And I don't want that either. I find myself in the center of the "I don't want to take risks because I don't want to get hurt" cycle, one that I more commonly associate with romantic relationships. I also find myself in a strange place somewhere in between Madrid and the US, Madrid and Wesleyan, my own experiences and those the people back home.
And on that note--Thank you to all my friends who have not answered my emails. Yes, that does sound passive agressive, and at some points I would mean it to be. But right now, it's written with all seriousness. Because I think that if all of you had answered all of my emails like I had wished at the time, I would be even further away from one side. I would be stuck hovering dangerously in the middle, with what seems like not enough time to get anywhere.
But also, thank you to the people who have answered my emails, and have let me know that I am on your minds occasionally...Because at least I know that I am somewhere else besides the space I am occupying right now. And yes, parents, I know you've been thinking of me. Obviously, as we write emails with a good amount of regularity.
Okay...I had wanted to write about the wonderful Saturday I spent at my friend Pepa's house, with about 10 other people from the program and a GIANT paella. Because that was a splendid day. because it felt, normal and familiar. We were just hanging out. Talking, laughing, eating, kicking around a soccer ball. It was one of the first times I've felt comfortable here. But instead, like always, I was drawn to the computer by my negative frustrated feelings. But that's okay.
j
15 March 2007
eh-rrray
I am going to learn how to roll my r's. I just am. Last night Vicky was teaching me how, and she said I did it. I didn't hear myself do it, but it's a start. The point is that other people hear it, right?
also, in a newspaper here yesterday there was an article concerning Bush's IQ. Lowest of any president, ever. Just on the border of "normal". Highest IQ? Clinton, of course. Also, democrats had a higher average, of almost 20 points (I think), than republicans.
One more thing I find funny, there's a big stir in the Catholic world right now because this guy just came out with a book of pornographic photos involving relgious figures. Oral sex with the Virgin, Jesus with an erection. This type of thing.
j
also, in a newspaper here yesterday there was an article concerning Bush's IQ. Lowest of any president, ever. Just on the border of "normal". Highest IQ? Clinton, of course. Also, democrats had a higher average, of almost 20 points (I think), than republicans.
One more thing I find funny, there's a big stir in the Catholic world right now because this guy just came out with a book of pornographic photos involving relgious figures. Oral sex with the Virgin, Jesus with an erection. This type of thing.
j
12 March 2007
fotos and accomplishments
Well, this weekend we had an excursión a Extremadura, another region of Spain. It was a whirlwind trip of 4 cities in 2.5 days, complete with windy mountain passes in a bus that left me wishing for more drammamine. The big news of the weekend, for me at least, was that I made a pact with myself and some other chicas to only speak Spanish for the entire weekend (yes, like we're supposed to be doing but it never happens). And I did it! And I feel good. Because I have been feeling like my Spanish hasn't been improving as much as it should. So that was nice.
Another plus: I took a bunch of pictures. Here are links to the albums:
http://wesleyan.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2019942&l=769b9&id=4203383
and
http://wesleyan.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2019943&l=11d34&id=4203383
enjoy
j
Another plus: I took a bunch of pictures. Here are links to the albums:
http://wesleyan.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2019942&l=769b9&id=4203383
and
http://wesleyan.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2019943&l=11d34&id=4203383
enjoy
j
08 March 2007
i hope this is a cultural difference
So, I realize that studying abroad is supposed to give me new perspectives on how I view the world around me, the United States and its relations with this world, myself as a citizen of this country with its bad relations...I mean, relations; myself as a person, how I think, how I interact with people.
But I didn't realize that this would involve how I view myself, as in my own self-body-image. The other day, in the house, I was walking through the living room to put away some shoes and my señora asks/tells me "estás engordando". Translation: You are getting fat. In reality, it's probably more like "you are gaining weight, eh?", but to my english-speaking ears it was YOU ARE GETTING FAT. I stared at her blankly, sputtered out a "que?" and continued on my path to the closet. She asked "you agree" and I weakly said I didn't know. And slunk into my room. and felt like shit.
Mostly because in my mind this was the first time that someone other than myself had commented on my own (possible) weight gain. And while it may be true (due to the whole milk and such), it still seemed so wildly inappropriate. Sidenote: what came to mind was anger over the fact that she didn't even consider that I may have an eating disorder and that comment could throw me into a downward self-hating spiral, or something similar. Luckily, that isn't what happened because I don't have an eating disorder, but ya never know.
This happened about a week ago, so I don't really have any embittered comments to add. I gave it this much time to write about because I wanted to cool off and regrain that self-confidence I usually have. And this task has been accomplished. But I still thought it was something I should make note of.
But I didn't realize that this would involve how I view myself, as in my own self-body-image. The other day, in the house, I was walking through the living room to put away some shoes and my señora asks/tells me "estás engordando". Translation: You are getting fat. In reality, it's probably more like "you are gaining weight, eh?", but to my english-speaking ears it was YOU ARE GETTING FAT. I stared at her blankly, sputtered out a "que?" and continued on my path to the closet. She asked "you agree" and I weakly said I didn't know. And slunk into my room. and felt like shit.
Mostly because in my mind this was the first time that someone other than myself had commented on my own (possible) weight gain. And while it may be true (due to the whole milk and such), it still seemed so wildly inappropriate. Sidenote: what came to mind was anger over the fact that she didn't even consider that I may have an eating disorder and that comment could throw me into a downward self-hating spiral, or something similar. Luckily, that isn't what happened because I don't have an eating disorder, but ya never know.
This happened about a week ago, so I don't really have any embittered comments to add. I gave it this much time to write about because I wanted to cool off and regrain that self-confidence I usually have. And this task has been accomplished. But I still thought it was something I should make note of.
28 February 2007
things I've noticed
In the elevator of my building there isn't a button to close the doors more rapidly. This represents either
a)the lack of hurry that is present in ALL of Spain, or
b)the lack of situations such as running away from a bad guy, escaping into the elevator and frantically pushing the ··CLOSE DOORS NOW·· buttton, hoping that the doors will close before he can get a well polished shoe in between them, thus forcing them open and leaving you trapped in the elevator with the man who wants to murder you. Or, if it's a spoof movie, propose to you or something equally as non-threatening.
I'd like to think it's the second option.
Second bit of crazy: I was skimming a newspaper yesterday and there was an article concerning plastic surgery. And I believe it said how Spain is now the leading country for these types of operations. This was not the shocking part (although a bit surprising). There was an insert with a picture of an Asian person. The caption next to the picture read "A popular request is ocular surgery to westernize eyes. It creates folds(I think) in the upper eye lid and the eyes aren't as separated from the nose" This, shocked me. But maybe, just maybe, it's because whenever people here have made reference to the fact that I am part Asian, they gesture to their eyes, using their fingers to pull them slightly downward. The same kind of thing that you see on elementary school playground before we learned what PC was. I don't know. I just don't know.
A third bit of frustration concerning the differences between English and Spanish: Spanish is full of justifications. And in trying to think of an example right now in my head, and comparing it to English, yes, there are justifications in English also. Or at least, it's more polite to use them. But to me, it sounds wimpy. We talked about the question of asking to borrow someone's car. There were two options on the board. One was "Hey, can I borrow the car?"The other was, "May I borrow your car? It's that mine broke down and I have to go to Barcelona this weekend and I promise to return it to you on Monday". Yes, this is acceptable. To me, it sounds like I'm talking to my mother. There are other examples that I can't think of. But as a rather assertive person, some may label it aggression, this passive way of talking just isn't the way I think.
In our language class I feel we are learning more about how to be cultured than actual grammer type stuff. But maybe this demonstrates the link between language and culture, or class. Class as in classy. Not socio-economic. aah. To my colloquial spanish class where we are discussing some sort of curse words. Should be a good time.
j
a)the lack of hurry that is present in ALL of Spain, or
b)the lack of situations such as running away from a bad guy, escaping into the elevator and frantically pushing the ··CLOSE DOORS NOW·· buttton, hoping that the doors will close before he can get a well polished shoe in between them, thus forcing them open and leaving you trapped in the elevator with the man who wants to murder you. Or, if it's a spoof movie, propose to you or something equally as non-threatening.
I'd like to think it's the second option.
Second bit of crazy: I was skimming a newspaper yesterday and there was an article concerning plastic surgery. And I believe it said how Spain is now the leading country for these types of operations. This was not the shocking part (although a bit surprising). There was an insert with a picture of an Asian person. The caption next to the picture read "A popular request is ocular surgery to westernize eyes. It creates folds(I think) in the upper eye lid and the eyes aren't as separated from the nose" This, shocked me. But maybe, just maybe, it's because whenever people here have made reference to the fact that I am part Asian, they gesture to their eyes, using their fingers to pull them slightly downward. The same kind of thing that you see on elementary school playground before we learned what PC was. I don't know. I just don't know.
A third bit of frustration concerning the differences between English and Spanish: Spanish is full of justifications. And in trying to think of an example right now in my head, and comparing it to English, yes, there are justifications in English also. Or at least, it's more polite to use them. But to me, it sounds wimpy. We talked about the question of asking to borrow someone's car. There were two options on the board. One was "Hey, can I borrow the car?"The other was, "May I borrow your car? It's that mine broke down and I have to go to Barcelona this weekend and I promise to return it to you on Monday". Yes, this is acceptable. To me, it sounds like I'm talking to my mother. There are other examples that I can't think of. But as a rather assertive person, some may label it aggression, this passive way of talking just isn't the way I think.
In our language class I feel we are learning more about how to be cultured than actual grammer type stuff. But maybe this demonstrates the link between language and culture, or class. Class as in classy. Not socio-economic. aah. To my colloquial spanish class where we are discussing some sort of curse words. Should be a good time.
j
26 February 2007
the beauty of fabric softener
I didn't realize it until I got here. And all the clothes are line-dried. Which is better for the environment and saves energy and yadda yadda. But it leaves my cotton shirts stiff and not as inviting. I guess I'll go ahead and put a "culture shock" label on this one.
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